In a sleek, minimalist boardroom at Apple Campus 2, Aka “Apple Park,” Apple’s top executives, all uniformly dressed in black turtlenecks, are gathered. They’re surrounded by the aura of their ‘Reality Distortion Field’ generator, as designed by and once used to enhance the persuasive power of Apple’s co-founder, Steve Jobs. Their task is daunting yet critical: devising a strategy to comply with the EU’s Digital Markets Act and Digital Services Act, laws aimed at opening up platforms to competition.
Each executive’s calm determination is evident, a hallmark of the Apple ethos. On the giant screen, the complexities of the new laws are displayed. As they discuss, they are not just fueling their minds but also their bodies with unconventional choices - guacamole on toast and Ashwagandha tea, a nod to Apple’s culture of thinking differently.
The conversation turns to Apple’s response to the EU laws. One executive, channeling the spirit of innovation that led to groundbreaking products like the first mainstream tablet, the Apple Newton, suggests a plan. “Let’s make it so convoluted and wrapped in red tape that it’s technically open, but practically a labyrinth,” they propose, bringing quiet, knowing laughter around the room.
“Perfect,” agrees another. “We’ll comply, but let’s sprinkle in some Apple magic - complex notarization, a maze of moderation rules, and a hefty fee structure. After all, we can’t let just anyone into our walled garden, can we?” This strategy, while adhering to the letter of the law, cleverly maintains Apple’s control and profitability, key points pointed out by the other executives.
As they finalize their plan, there’s a sense of accomplishment. They’ve managed to navigate the tricky waters of legal compliance while keeping the essence of Apple’s exclusivity intact. It’s a masterclass in sticking to the letter of the law, while artfully sidestepping its spirit. And thus, Apple’s latest act of ‘malicious compliance’ is born, a decision that, without their ‘Reality Distortion Field’ would not sit well with customers, legislatures, rivals or critics.
As the Apple team revels in their clever compliance plan, one executive bursts out, “And the best part? We’ll only do this in the EU!” The room erupts in laughter as they imagine developers around the world juggling two versions of their apps - one for the EU with all the new Apple mazes, and another for the rest of the world, as straightforward as a one-dimensional line on a three-dimensional Möbius strip inside a four-dimensional tesseract! “Talk about doubling the fun,” they chuckle, raising their Ashwagandha teas in a toast to complexity.
One exec quips, “Thank goodness our ‘Reality Distortion Field’ is at full strength.” Just then, a squirrel, a regular denizen of the park’s green spaces, bursts through the ventilation. It skitters across the room, causing uproarious chaos. It leaps onto the table, causing a ballyhoo of spilled Ashwagandha tea and flying guacamole toast. The executives, momentarily flustered, watch as the ‘Reality Distortion Field’ seemingly flickers and thins, disrupted by this unexpected and wild intrusion of nature. The room, once a fortress of strategic planning, is momentarily thrown into a comical disarray.
What nonsense, these C-suites types are not the evil geniuses from this article.
The selected method to fuck with the spirit of the law came from some actually smart consulting group, the C-suites just asked them “According to the law we are required to maximize shareholder value, so how can we
fuckcomply with this law in a way that maximises shareholder value”. Once they got their options presented, they chose one.The system that requires these people to do this needs to be changed. Regardless of the fact that some of these sociopaths seem to enjoy their work.
